If you follow me, then you no doubt are aware of my propensity to disappear. Almost every post I make on any given platform is likely to start with some variety of “Sorry I haven’t posted in a while”.

So, uh, yeah, sorry I haven’t posted in a while.

I don’t want to blame everything in my life on my ADHD, but it is true that is definitely a major factor in my disappearances that affects me in multiple ways. (HORSE TIME BABYYYYYYYYYYY)

However, the reason that lies far deeper at the heart of why I so frequently disappear is a far more universal one than my own individual neurodivergence. And that is…

Social Media Sucks and it is Bad For You

I don’t need to belabour this point. I’ve written about this plenty of times and we pretty much all know it by now. Like smoking cigarettes or drinking alcohol before it, social media has become a socially acceptable health-destroying facet of modern life, only less cool and fun than those other things. From melting our attention spans to destroying our self-esteem to breaking down the social connections between people, all in service of enriching and entrenching the societal power of the wealthiest and worst men on Earth, social media as it currently exists just flat out is not good for us.

As someone who made her career off social media, it’s been an ongoing challenge reconciling with how I am linked to something that can be fairly conclusively linked to the destruction of our personal health and civil society. I feel a sense of guilt for posting, regardless of what I post, because I feel like I am only encouraging people to continue to engage with these toxic platforms. As I most likely have written in a blog post before, I often describe being an “online content creator” as “smoking brain cigarettes in order to sell brain cigarettes to children, for no guaranteed pay, and also the brain cigarettes turn you into a nazi“.

While I have ranted and grumbled about this both in private and in public for years, I only fully realized just how bad for me the social media environment was and is. I have written a few times about the total body joint pain I had to deal with in 2022, and which caused me to change a lot about my life. That situation undoubtedly arose from a build up of chronic stress from working as an online creator, and one key thing which I only recently realized the significance of, was how during that time, if I was upset or startled or surprised, or experienced any kind of sudden shock, including things as simple as sneezing or tripping over something, I would experience a kind of tingling itchiness all over my body. This feeling was very similar to the histamine reaction I would get all over my body when I had cancer. Histamines are usually associated with allergic reactions and the cancer I had was a cancer of the immune system (Hodgkin’s Lymphoma). So, for my body to respond to even minor shock and stress with an immune reaction, while at the same time experiencing severe joint pain and stiffness all over my body, I can only conclude that the stress of my life at that time was causing my body to attack itself in an effort to curb a perceived, omnipresent threat.

The past few months I simply haven’t been on social media. I deleted it all from my phone and closed all the tabs on my browsers (yes, even Bluesky). And, I have to say, it has been wonderful. One thing in particular I have noticed after taking this break is that I no longer feel that tingling when I’m startled. My body and mind have been able to calm down in a way they most likely could not have if I had continued to engage online.

Sadly, that blissful period must come to an end.

I am, at the end of the day, an artist, and an artist must put herself out there into the world, and the #1 way to do that in this terrible, digital age is via social media. So the apps are back on my phone, the tabs are opened in my browser, and I must now return to “digital panhandling”, as my haters used to refer to what people in my profession do. So keep an eye out for more posts from me, as I have a lot of exciting projects coming down the pipe that I will be talking about.

What have I been doing though?

Well, I have been teaching a whole lot of karate. I run the Kumakai kid’s class now, and just recently I was running a week-long “Super Hero Camp”, where kids make art and practice martial arts. Next month, I will be teaching a week-long series of karate classes as part of Pride Month celebrations. I am also in the process of setting up my own LGBTQ+ Karate Club, but it has been a slow-going process of registration and bureaucracy, so I’ll keep you posted on the progress on that and maybe we will be able to train together sometime 🙂

Truthfully, a very large amount of my time has been spent in my training. I train almost as much as a professional athlete. One thing I have always been embarrassed to publicly admit, given how long I have trained in karate, is that I never did yet get around to testing for my black belt. I had various points in my life where I had planned to test, and it is a number of long stories I am very tired of telling as to why I never did, some of which led me to feel disillusioned with martial arts organizations and the notion of belts at all (I don’t even really like training in a dogi anyways, to tell the truth). But this Summer I will change that and finally test for my Shodan! I have little doubt that I will pass, but given how long a time it has been coming, I want to really pass. I want my black belt to mean what I think most people think a black belt means, which is a symbol of a high level of proficiency, if not mastery, rather than what it typically means in most martial arts, which is that you have an understanding of the basics and are now ready for the “real” training. I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve been training for 25 years, and I’ve taught for 20 of those years. I’ve achieved elite levels of physical ability at different points of my life, and I know fourth degree black belts who are intimidated by me, so at this point I really want my own black belt to mean something when I finally get it.

So I’m training every day. Usually between 3 to 5 hours each day. On the day of the Canadian election, I managed to stress workout for six hours straight without realizing it. Recently, I took up sumo wrestling and I will be competing in the Vancouver Sumo Basho later this month. It feels so exciting to be training for a competition, and I can feel the excitement of those I am training with as they help me to prepare for this purpose. I would like to compete more, not just in sumo but in different combat sports. At nearly 40 years old and in an era where trans participation in sports is being increasingly restricted, it may seem like a bad time for a struggling artist like myself to style herself as some kind of competitive athlete, but the way I see it, this is basically my last chance to see what I can seriously do before I get too old or the environment gets too unfriendly. Who knows? Perhaps my competing can even serve some useful purpose for advancing trans acceptance.

To be fully honest, spending so much time training really does take a toll on the ol’ income, especially while being on hiatus from social media. This month in particular, with the Basho coming up and no large karate workshops scheduled, I need to make up some extra income to pay all the bills come June.

Similarly, anyone who is able to support me on Patreon will be massively contributing to my ability to continue what I do on an ongoing basis. I know my public output has been lacking, so I supremely appreciate all of those who have continued to support me.

I am also opening up commissions and will be selling off some pieces to make up some income. Send me an e-mail at lifeofbria at gmaildotcom to inquire about commissioning me, and keep an eye out for posts about upcoming art sales.

My true artistic passion these past several months has been my landscape paintings. I began painting watercolours as a means of improving my backgrounds and environments for graphic novels, but it has since evolved into an art practice and passionate obsession unto itself.

I started with simple watercolors made with dollarstore materials back in 2023, these grew in sophistication over 2024, and in 2025, thanks to donation of canvases and an easel by a friend who was moving out of town, I have graduated to painting at a much larger size on canvas with acrylics.

I don’t think the photos I have been able to take really do them justice, but I really am very proud of this new kind of work. I intend to have a gallery show later this year, and I will write in greater detail about my past painting work in a future post, but suffice it to say, this has been a major focus of mine during my offline vacation. I average about one painting per month. I’d like to go faster so I can have enough pieces for a show sooner, but I should be encouraging myself to find balance rather than Horse-Timing it 😉

While there are a number of other secret projects that I will be able to talk about in future, the most exciting new development I will share with you today is that I have been cast in what is my largest theater role to date!

Since 2018, I have been involved in local Vancouver theater productions as an actor, and since 2022 I have been involved in workshop readings of a particular play that I think for now I’ll leave unnamed just in case the production team are not yet ready to make public cast announcements. This year that play is going to a full stage production, and I was invited to audition for the role I had read for during the lengthy workshop process.

Unfortunately, I did not get that audition.

I have an idea of what I did wrong in the audition, despite being a shoe-in for the role. I think I held myself back in the audition in the same way that I have often held myself back out of fear of being too much, fear of crossing boundaries, and fear of rejection. I often haven’t posted art because I feared rejection. I would build things up in my mind and assume failure before I ever tried. Walking away from social media was more than a much needed break for my health or a statement about my ethics, but also a way of playing into my fears and preemptively avoiding rejection and failure by an algorithm that doesn’t exactly value the same things I do. I have been sitting on a mountain of paintings I am immensely proud of that I have shown to nobody because I’m afraid of those being rejected. I stopped trying to test for my black belt because I feared the rejection of authorities about something that was central to my identity. I avoided all competition because I both feared losing but also feared crossing boundaries and taking up too much space by doing what it would take to win.

You can’t fail if you don’t try, right?

I think this is a very common problem for trans people. We hide our true selves from the world and learn very early on that expressing our true selves will bring trouble. We spend years telling ourselves that we can’t have what we want and that we are wrong for wanting it.

This past weekend I was visiting my mom, and she brought out a silver medal from a judo competition from when I was nine years old. I was a fat little kid who hated everything, and who especially hated being told what to do (funny what effect assigning the wrong gender to a child will have on their behaviour). But as a fat little kid who was practically wider than I was tall, I was really good at judo, despite hating it like I hated everything else people made me do.

At this little tournament that was held at the end of the training season, I was not wanting to participate in my typical fashion, and so in my first match I just refused to do anything, and I was thrown, pinned, and consequently, I lost. But then one of the instructors explained to me how, if I hated it so much, I could get it over with without having to be thrown and pinned by throwing and pinning my opponent. And so I did, and I easily won every match and got a silver medal. I did so well, it was clear I would have gotten gold if I had just tried from the get-go. My mom had hoped this victory would encourage me to stick with judo, but unfortunately for my future combat sports aspirations, I was still a lazy little kid who hated everything, and so I did not stick with judo – arguably one of the best foundations one can have for combat sports.

Of course, there’s nothing wrong with coming in second place, but now I have this silver medal that basically stands as a testament to the time I held myself back from a victory that could have easily been mine.

So now I’m tired of holding myself back.

I’m extremely lucky. I’m not sure what happened, but despite initially being rejected for the part in that play, I have since been offered the role! I hope all is well with whoever was initially given the part, and it certainly doesn’t feel great to be second choice for something, but I will not turn down this incredible opportunity.

I’m tired of assuming I won’t be good enough or that my attempts to be the best I can be will cross boundaries and bring another form of rejection. I’m not holding back in my training, I’m not holding back in competition to test my training, I’m not holding back in my art, and I’m not holding back when I go out on stage and perform this Fall.

My main take away from the past few months: Don’t Hold Back!